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Diary Entries

"If love is great, and there are no greater things,
then what I feel for you must be the greatest."

March 17th, 2001-


I dabbed at my eyes with my t-shirt to stifle the sudden tears and all these mixed emotions and thoughts started racing through my brain. I thought about William telling the story. I thought about Jimei throwing snowballs at me and vice versa, back and forth until we compacted an oddly satisfying truce. I thought about HER bowling, HER face, HER smile. I thought about her and realized, this weekend has changed my life forever and I will never be the same again.


June 21st, 2001-


The booming sounds coming from the sound amplifiers had finally taken a toll on my ears. But that was the least of my worries at the moment. I wanted to apologize to Jimei for all the mistakes I had made and the inconveniences I caused her in the past months. I needed some way to convey to her that I just wanted her to be happy but also not mad at me, but I couldn't work out the courage. It wasn't the fact it was Prom Night, but an almost instinctive feeling. Numerous people such as Allegra, Priya, Elisha, William, Caitlin and Luke had tried to convince me that nothing was going to go wrong and that she would graciously accept the apology, but my pessimistic attitude at that moment prevented me from listening to them.

Finally at the end, it was still Elisha who broke through and gave me the green light. He was the one who helped me through all of my troubles and came through once again. I took his advice, just went up to her and nearly fainted when I saw how stunningly pretty she looked, as always. I was momentarily speechless, awe for her gracefulness and calmness temporarily overwhelming me. Finally I started with a choked voice, "Jimei, I just want to say sorry for everything that's happened in the past few months.....". She accepted my apology and returned the favor, but not before dampening my "fishing for compliments aura" by asking why I was so mean to her on the trip to Albany. The truth was that I did that purposely, as a disguise to hide my feelings for her, although now I truly regret my actions. But it was a night I will always remember, but hope I will soon forget.

After the party was over and everybody's eardrums were pulsing to the limits, the crowd gathered outside in the plesantly cool summer night and hugs, kisses and phrases were exchanged. I couldn't bear it. I received some too but I only truly wanted one from Jimei, but she was nowhere amongst the crowd. My efforts went for nilch but I could always set my sights for the upcoming school year...

April 6th 2001-


About 20 minutes before lunch, I felt a sudden lurch in my heart and my heartbeats started to become faster and faster, the excitement building up into a rush of gratitude as well as confusion. I quickly pulled out the letter from my backpack, dashed to her homeroom and after the coast was clear, slipped it in her backpack and ran back again. Adrenaline was building.

I spent the entire lunch period eating nothing, pacing up and down the dimly-lit hallway. As I was heading out of homeroom, she shuffled past me with a soft and soothing "hi" that meant everything in the world to me. It almost seemed as if she knew about everything, already. I went through the final three periods not concentrating on anything, except the letter and that "hi".

It was the last day of school before Spring Break that day and I wanted to say one last bye to her. I sprinted out of the my 8th period class as fast as possible, squinting outside through the light drizzle of rain for a glimpse. No familiar jacket, no sparkling eyes that would cheer me up instantly, just the bleak surroundings I was acquainted with. I trudged on home slowly, the exhiliration and swift heartbeats finally dying down.


December 18, 2001-


Inexplicable emotions. That is what I am confronted with each and every time I see Jimei. Part of me just wants to comply with merely being friends, another part wants to be a little more than friends. But I am not gaining any ground by not talking to her. In fact, I am only hurting myself by refusing to confront her. I am in the same situation I was in at the end of last year. Somehow, even when I see her, I cannot seem to bring up enough courage to even say "hi". I am so paranoid about the eventual (potentially negative) outcome that I try to play it safe and not do anything at all.

Several days ago, just as I got off the 5-7 escalator, I saw her on the bench with a friend. I definitely noticed her and I'm somewhat sure that she saw me. But when I saw her, my body suddenly started tensing up and my movements lacked basic coordination. You might call it nervousness, I call it love. It's liking someone to the extent where you're so afraid of doing the slightest action which might make them just a slight bit angry.

March 2nd, 2002-
 
 
Why is my life so very much like a roller coaster? One second, I think I finally have a clear understanding and the next, it seems as if I'm living in a recurring nightmare. The day started off with me going to school to volunteer by helping the incoming freshmen get adjusted. Then, Jimei appears and everything starts falling apart from there. We were both volunteering on the sixth floor (her in the Speech and Debate room and me in the Freshman Composition/English Research Seminar Room). I glanced at her several times and even caught her looking back at me. I wanted to wait until she was alone to talk to her, so there would be no obtrusive distractions.
 
Unfortunately, nothing went according to plan. I seemed happy enough when I left school, even though I didn't talk to her. Then, when I get home, I find some shocking news in store for me. First, as a bit of background information, Luke always went to the Speech and Debate room. He told me that Jimei had this very quizzical and somewhat surprised expression on her face when she found out that I wanted to join the speech team (Luke convinced me to join, saying that I'm good at speaking and I have nothing to lose). That implied that she was angry about me wanting to join the speech team, a very black and white construing of the topic. Then, Luke adds that Jimei said, "I wouldn't trust him if he was 50 feet away" when questioned "why don't you like Mickey". Most "normal" people might think nothing of this, but simple, everyday things like this linger in my mind. It's excruciatingly painful to endure a comment like this from the only person I'll ever love. Sometimes I wish I could just erase the flawed past and replace it with a perfect present and future. But what dreams may come are just fucking illusions. When the only thing I'm looking forward to right now is being decent friends with Jimei, I still end up feeling dejected.
 
Reconciling is the first step to a better understanding. I openly admit that I was a complete jerk last year and that I should've treated Jimei much better. There are things that I should've done in the past that I didn't, but time is perpetual and unchangeable. All I want is to apologize to her and start all over again, on a fresh note; where the past is forgotten and it will be like discovering each other all over again. As I was heading home, I looked towards the drab, dreary sky and saw no stars to guide my way. The nightmare is repeating itself all over again.

A SERIOUS REQUEST:

These are past diary entries written and I would appreciate it if you read these and also know Jimei to not contact her in any way because I don't want to make her unhappy and hearing about this would provoke her and I don't want to hurt her in any way; physically or emotionally.